Green Room

As part of my ongoing campaign to convince the world that a book publicity job is fabulous all the time and never ever about spitting out half-masticated food so that you can answer the phone before it goes to voicemail—let’s talk about green rooms. Oh, how I love a green room! Never is food more delightful than when it’s free and resting on a white hard-plastic platter. All loyalty and kindness to my author goes out the window if there’s one strawberry left on that plate: someone has to win and someone has to lose—don’t blame me for the truths of life. Maybe this makes it sound like I spend my days just thinking about and shoveling food into and out of my mouth. I’m not denying or admitting anything. But if I see you in the back of the Today show and you’ve got your eye on that slice of cantaloupe, you may want to think twice, missy.

Let’s start with the morning shows, shall we? Their green rooms are nice: big, with a lot of bustling activity, people zipping in and out. They’re also communal, so you have a good chance of seeing someone very famous who you can name drop when you run into an ex (“Gosh, I haven’t seen you since before I shared that slice of cantaloupe with Woody Harrelson. You look acceptable.”) Good Morning America has a pinball machine! I don’t know if it works—it strikes me as bad form to miss my author’s segment because I am totally killing at Monster Bash. The late night shows are different: Letterman’s got a common room as well, but it’s smaller and cozier, with a lot fewer distractions. If I were a 23 year old dude, Kimmel would be my main choice— it’s got a bar which, the night I was there, was draped with scantily clad women of varying levels of repute.

My favorite has to be The Daily Show and here’s why: Fresca. That and the huge bowl of candy on their coffee table. I’m not talking about mini-Snickers, people—these bad boys are Full Size. I don’t even like candy and I had a Snickers, 3 Rollos, and a Tootsie Pop last time I was there. They, too, have games: instead of a pinball machine theirs is a giant transparent cube filled with board games. Since I’m there for work (those Snickers are the fuel of professionals), I have to abstain. But one day! One day, I’ll see that ex on the street and I will be able to say: “Oh, hi! I would totally shake your hand, but I have an injury from a tough game of Cranium. Helen Mirren is SUCH a poor loser. Toodle loo!”.

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